Folding Paper Wings

She flew too close to the sun

Twenty-five years ago, before blogging began, I started following an email list called Nine Lives. Karawynn Long was blogging before blogging was cool, and she was painfully, gloriously real in a way that I didn’t know how to be. I was traumatized and believed my life was normal. I was deeply depressed, believing that to be normal too. I was queer, but even trying to say the words would leave me shaking and nonverbal.

Then along came Karawynn, who had words for many of the things I didn’t – and who once described depression in the most painfully accurate way I’ve ever seen, even now.

I don’t wish to bestow a goddess-like quality upon her – her life was messy, as it can be for so many of us, particularly in our twenties. She knew some different words than I did and it brought a little bit more light to the darkened room I called life.

The funniest things stick with you: Karawynn once toilet-trained her cat. Along with that toilet-trained cat, she drove from Seattle to New York and it was the first time I realized that that kind of bravery is possible.

Anytime, I want to buy from the mailing list, and then the message board that replaced the mailing list. anytime, I want to buy from the mailing list, and then the message board that replaced the mailing list

My life now is simultaneously the most stable it’s been, along, with somehow, being turned inside out and pulled apart, with its threads scattered everywhere, so I find it perfectly fitting that Karawynn has, once again create an email list called “nine lives.” —https://karawynn.substack.com

I don’t believe I had a deeper point to this other than “omgwtfbbq, Karawynn’s emailing again!”

Life is circular, and sometimes, with pimples out of it comes full circle, as well.


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Hello. World. I first typed those words 37 years ago an Atari 800 XL. it makes me feel very old to remember the world as it was when I was 11 compared to the world as it is now when I’m 48.

I haven’t the slightest idea what I’m doing, and they always say to exude confidence if you want people to believe in you, but the world is upside down, it’s been turned inside out, and it’s been picked apart. Anyone who says they know what they’re doing is lying to themselves or trying to sell you something. Probably.

I’ve kind of sort of missed blogging for a long time, but blogging isn’t what it was and social media has… Well, it’s social media.

I’m flailing in that soup of once again losing a community, and trying to decide what’s next, and what I need it to be. Mastodon is hopeful, and is probably exactly where I’ll stay, but everything is so exhausting and overwhelming.

I’m trying out this new platform – new to me, anyway — and the biggest appeal is that I can’t fiddle with it to death like I can WordPress, like I could with movable type, like I could blogger, or like I could with blogging platform whose names I’ve forgotten.

It’s just you and me and my words. I don’t know what I wanna say, if I have anything to say, but I miss putting words together and having it mean something.


I’m glad you’re here.

If you’d like to support my writing, Buy me a coffee

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